Where did the time go? | Patty

It has been 3 years since I last posted to this site. So much has happened in that time. I have changed, my children have changed. I have grown, my children have grown. My oldest graduated from high school last June and I finally graduated with my Bachelor’s degree in Social Work. I guess it was inevitable. A foster mom, turned adoptive mom, turned strongly opinionated advocate for all things social justice…it was meant to be.

My son has Autism.  What the heck do I do now?

But tonight, I am reflecting on something that is heavy on my heart, and that is the future of our children. I look at my children, and I cannot believe that my oldest is now adult (legally, though he still needs our guidance and support) and my two young ones are in 3rd and 4th grade. Where did the time go? I see reminders of my memories on Facebook, and I wonder where my innocent babies went. Where are the light hearted, happy, silly, goofy, playful, imaginative, wonder-filled little children whose pitter patter used to fill our home? They have become big kids. Literally. They are the tallest ones in their classes, and I am their mom with a more gray hairs that I have to cover up every month. They are still playful, imaginative, silly and goofy. But they also carry the burden of childhood expectations with them.

We did something that some might recommend that I keep private…maybe I should…the internet is full of trolls ready to pounce on the next well-intentioned, unsuspecting, average Joe or Jane. But I think, I will take a leap and be vulnerable tonight. I started taking my kids to therapy. There. I said it. Why? Because they needed it and because I needed it. Raising children is hard. Kids go through hard stuff, and some parents are not parenting experts. Some of us are just trying to get through the day. So, I put my big girl pants on, and took my kids to therapy. I’m not going to share the details of said therapy, but just to say, that it was needed, and anyone who thinks they don’t need therapy, probably needs it more that the “average” Jane of Joe.

So what are the results? A regular appointment that we have struggled to make time for in the week. A neutral third party that is walking through this journey with us, and offering her expertise to guide us through. And a safe place for my kids to talk about their feelings without worrying about someone judging them, or telling them what they should or should be thinking or feeling. Honestly, I considered my social work experience, and couldn’t let myself off the hook. I looked myself in the eye, gave myself a pep talk, and advocated for myself and my children when I saw a need I could not address on my own.

It has been a tremendously humbling experience, and the self-reflection required for change and personal growth is painful and difficult at times. But I am putting my faith in the process, and hoping and praying for the best for my family.  This journey also brought an unexpected diagnosis of Autism for my youngest. This has been one of the hardest realizations-my son has Autism.  What the heck do I do now? A physician cannot heal herself, or her children. I am no physician, but over the last few years, I have wondered if this might be the case, while quietly denying the possibility and talking myself out of it. To this I was blind.

When he is in a good place, it is great!

“My son does not have Autism,” I thought. He doesn’t have the signs (so I thought). He makes eye contact, he likes to snuggle, he is excelling in school, he has friends, he talks at a higher level than some, and he is a great conversationalist. And yet, he escalates quickly to outbursts, he hits when he is angry, takes things personally and literally, and he doesn’t know when he has taken joking too far. He is 8 and still can’t tie his shoes, and he has very poor fine motor skills. He invades others’ personal space, interrupts, and talks loudly, and at times seems very selfish- even though he can be incredibly thoughtful, affectionate, and caring. This doesn’t make any sense. Yet here we are. Trying to figure out how to live with Autism. Sometimes, when he is in a good place, it is great! And other times, when he is struggling, it feels like I am in hell. Please tell me I am not alone in feeling this way.

Psalm 139 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:13-14, NIV). My son, my unexpected double blessing, has Autism. And yet, I am reminded that God knit him together in my womb, to be the precious boy that he is. He was created perfectly, with Autism, and is not defective or disabled. He is, instead, differently-abled. He sees, hears, and experiences the world differently from me, and I am blessed and entrusted with raising him to be the man that God created him (with Autism) to be.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:13-14

Dear Lord, please help me to love my children for who they are, to see their strengths, abilities, gifts and talents, when my default is to see their flaws. Help me to raise him to be confident, loving, considerate, and brave, even when he is overwhelmed by the world around him. Please help me to be the woman that I was created to be, as his mother, and to never him to be anyone else than you intended him to be. – Amen.

Our Daughters and our Sons | Patty

I recently went on a hike to take some time to be alone with the Lord. It was beautiful, the weather had not yet turned ridiculously hot, and so I hiked up the mountain, just me and Jesus. And while walking, I was listening to a song by Audio Adrenaline called “Kings and Queens“. If you haven’t heard it, you need to – it is powerful! And I was suddenly struck by a thought.  Foster kids aren’t just “someone else’s kids”.  They are the son or daughter to a foster or adoptive parent they may have never met.

Can you imagine how different things would be if we thought of foster children as our own, instead of someone else’s child? We would walk through fire for our biological children, but for a foster child, we are held back by our fear of the unknown. What if they were exposed to drugs? What if they have behavioral problems? What if they were abused? What if, what if, what if? If someone had told you not to have biological children because they could have challenges, would that have stopped you from having kids?

Since fostering and eventually adopting our daughter, my heart has been burdened for children in the foster care system. Foster children are not often seen (meaning we don’t know they are foster kids), and their stories not often heard (we don’t want to hear what they have been through- it’s too painful). It was only when I walked through the path of foster care toward adoption, that I could finally see and understand the complexity of this system. If you have never experienced the state foster care system, let me enlighten you. Currently, there are over 400,000 children in foster care at any given time. Their stories are heartbreaking, their wounds are deep, and they need you.  My daughter entered foster care at birth, but she still feels the pain of not growing up with her birth parents and siblings.

Foster kids are strong, brave and yet scared at the same time, and they want permanency – the safety and security that comes from having someone to call mom and dad, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, and a place to call home. They are not drug babies, problem children, or a hopeless cause. They are not the circumstances they were born into; they are not responsible for the choices of their birth parents. They have the same potential as you and me, and were created for divine purpose, just like you and me.

Psalm 139:13-16 says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

They could be your daughters and your sons. They are waiting for you. I don’t say that flippantly, or romantically. Taking in a child from foster care can be challenging. But as a Christian, I believe that we are called to stand in the gap for these children.  We are not meant to be their savior- Jesus is their savior.  But we are called to step forward and love them like Jesus would. It is time for true believers to step forward, to be the light in the darkness, to show them the transformational and unconditional love of Christ.

So what can you do?

1. Become a foster parent or foster-to-adopt parent. It is not easy and there is no guarantee that you will be able to adopt a child that is placed with you. In fact approximately half of the children that enter foster care each year, return to their biological parents. But there are children who are languishing in the foster care system with no plan for permanency (aka no one willing to adopt them). So if you have thought about it, and don’t know the next steps to take, think that you can’t afford it, or that you would never be approved as a foster parent, please reach out, and we will put you in touch with people that can walk you through the process.
2. Become a respite care provider. For anyone who is not ready to foster or adopt, but wants to help care for a foster child on a short term basis, respite care is a great option. Respite providers care for foster kids on a short term basis – a few hours or possibly a few days at a time to give foster parents a much needed break. If this is an option for you, please reach out.
3. Meet a need. Foster families often find themselves in need of the most basic items. It is not uncommon for a foster parent to receive a call that children need to be picked up, and find that the child(ren) needs clothes, shoes, diapers, or even a car seat or crib.  If you cannot volunteer your time, but can meet a tangible need, please reach out.  Your gift will meet a need and be a HUGE blessing.
4. Be a friend, extended family, and prayer partner for a foster child or foster family. Aside from the tangible needs, one of the most valuable thing you can give a foster family is your love, friendship and prayers. It takes a village to raise a child, and for many foster children, they have been uprooted from and lost contact with their community. So helping to build relationships encourages healthy attachment, emotional security, and a sense of normalcy that these children need.

There are several organizations that are helping foster families in your community. Here are a few that we recommend:

1. ChildShare
2. AdoptUSKids
3. Rays of Light Philanthropic
4. Families Like Ours (FLO)
5. Olivecrest

Everyone can do something. If you are ready to take the first step, and learn more about how you can help, please reach out to one of these great organizations.

Blessings,

Patty

Online Wellness Event: Tomorrow Only

Hi Friends,

I am excited to tell you about an online wellness event that is happening tomorrow, Saturday, February 26th at 11 am PST via Zoom.  The event is focused on helping families with special needs children learn how to use nutrition to give your kids the best life possible.  You will hear testimonies from real parents and the differences they have seen in the health of their children because of this incredible program.

You can also request to join the Private Facebook Page created for this event: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1680646048855437/

I hope you can join us!

-Patty

P.S. Here is the login information for the event:

Healthy Living for Children and Families
This Saturday, February 27 at 11 AM PST, 1 PM CT, 2 PM EST.

Click the link to join: https://zoom.us/j/935703237

 

God Intended it for Good | by Patty

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20 NIV

For those of you that don’t know, my daughter is adopted. We fostered her for two years before her adoption became final. In those two years, my eyes were opened, and my heart was broken as I witnessed first-hand, the trauma that ensues just before the beautiful gift that adoption is. My daughter asks me about her birth mom, and her birth brothers and sisters, and wonders why we have to live so far away from them. She loves them so much. The feelings of abandonment, the pain of knowing that there is a family out there that she doesn’t get to grow up with, is hard for her to understand. My daughter’s story is a story of rescue, and redemption. We can see the Lord looking out for her before she was even born. His hand was over her life from the very beginning.

When I read the story of Joseph, I see the story of an abused child, mistreated, sold into slavery, wrongly accused, and yet, the Lord’s hand was over his life and through all of the hardship that he endured, all of the wrong that was done to him, all of the things that the enemy intended for harm, the Lord allowed for good. It’s hard to understand why bad things happen to good people, to innocent children, why He doesn’t swoop in and rescue us. But then, at some point, like Joseph, we can look back and see how the Lord turned that ugliness into something great, something beautiful.

In the story of Genesis, when Joseph sees his brothers after so many years, and they are coming to him asking for help because of the Famine, he had two choices: 1) to repay them for all the terrible things that they had done to him, to let them starve, and to call it justice. After all, they were the ones that had abused him, beaten him, and sold him into slavery. And as a result, he was thrown into jail for many years for a crime that he didn’t commit. They were the cause of all of his heartache and pain. 2) he could show them mercy. He could offer forgiveness, and choose to see how God moved in spite of that horrible situation. After all, if he had not been sold into slavery, he would never been a servant in Potiphar’s house, he would have never been thrown in jail, and never would have been elevated in rank to Pharaoh’s right hand man. And because Joseph was Pharaoh’s right hand man, he was able to advise Pharaoh to store up grain in preparation for the Famine…the Famine that brought Joseph’s family knocking at his door.

When face to face with his brothers, all Joseph wanted was reconciliation with his father, and his brothers. Genesis 45:1-11 says,” Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. ² And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it.

³ Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still living?” But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence.

⁴ Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! ⁵ And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. ⁶ For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. ⁷ But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.^[a]

⁸ “So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt. ⁹ Now hurry back to my father and say to him, ‘This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; don’t delay. ¹⁰ You shall live in the region of Goshen and be near me—you, your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all you have. ¹¹ I will provide for you there, because five years of famine are still to come. Otherwise you and your household and all who belong to you will become destitute.’”

Wow. In spite of all the wrong that had been done to him, God was in the midst of all of it. He never left Joseph, but instead went with him, to jail and eventually to the palace. Because God was with Joseph, Israel (and all his son’s, which became the twelve tribes of Israel) were saved; and not only saved, but were given the most fertile land in all of Egypt. Wow. Look what God did!

The story continues, in Genesis 50:15-21, after Israel has been buried and Joseph’s brothers are wondering what will happen to them now. It says, “¹⁵ When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?” ¹⁶ So they sent word to Joseph, saying, “Your father left these instructions before he died: ¹⁷ ‘This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.’ Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.” When their message came to him, Joseph wept.

¹⁸ His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. “We are your slaves,” they said.

¹⁹ But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹ So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Can you imagine what Joseph must have been thinking? I get teary eyed every time I read this. This is grace at its fullest. I will be honest that I have been struggling with forgiveness of a certain person in my life. And when I think of Joseph and how he was mistreated, I can’t help but he humbled by his overwhelming forgiveness and grace. He didn’t want justice, he only wanted reconciliation.  Perhaps we can’t truly understand the height, the width, the length and the depth of God’s grace unless we are broken.

I’ll leave you with this reminder, that whatever you are going through, the enemy intends this to harm you, but God in his infinite wisdom and grace, intends is for good. He is faithful and He will deliver you through this trial. Romans 8:28 confirms this, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Better People | by Britta

Early mornings are the best! Inside it is quiet, well except for the clicking of the keys and the blowing of fans. Quiet…such a strange thing these days. Usually our home is full of noise. Toy cars, trains and spaceships zooming by, the refrigerator door opening and closing a hundred times before lunch, chit chat about this or that, when and why, conversations about college and the random “Mom I need to go pee!” or “I’m poopy!” and then there is the screaming. “He took my toy.” or “Stop bothering me!”…this is my crazy, wonderful, life!! I’m in the throws of parenting teens and toddlers…all boys! Yes you heard me right. It is a wonderful place and there is no place else I’d rather be.  I have a secret to tell you…little people, make bigger people, better people. Did you get that? Soak that in for a second,

Little People, Make Bigger People, Better People

I’ve been thinking a lot about the sibling bond these past few months. The bond that my bio kids have with my adopted kids is pretty special. Our daughter who is grown, married and lives out of state misses her little brothers terribly. I think it is so sweet that she will call just to talk to her 2 year old brother. Then there are those moments when our 13 year old will just play with his little brothers…play hard. It also brings joy to my heart when I see our 15 year old snuggling with a little guy. Wow!! This is what I’m talking about. This is why little people make us better. They teach us how to be patient, how to play, how to snuggle, and mostly how to love. Blood is not thicker than water…FAMILY no matter how it’s created is the strongest bond there ever could be.

So what about my adopted kiddo’s bio siblings? You know the ones that were adopted by someone else. I get a lump in my throat and a stinging in my eye just typing that out. I grieve that they don’t get to grow up together. Even though they may only see each other once a year the bond they have is incredible! I watch them play and talk and just be together. It’s like time and distance don’t matter…FAMILY is what matters.

I’m a better human being because we adopted. I get to see things and know things that not many people get to know or see. I have grown into a woman of compassion. A woman who sees my children as souls not as flesh and bones.  A woman who loves more deeply, lives more intentionally, and prays more passionately. God has used the two littlest people in my life to make me a much, much better person. How have the little people in your life made you a better person?